I am starting to reach deeper into the trough of words to find stuff to put here. I will be panicking in a month. It has been a long, crazy journey so far and I am very glad you are coming with me.
Today we are going to talk about delivering feedback. Every time I talk about feedback I put my hands together calmly and say as smoothly as possible “feedback is a gift”. While it has a soothing effect on other people, I assure you that I do this largely for my own benefit.
So let’s talk about how to give feedback to people who are doing something… unfortunate.
Before I jump in, I do want to state that these are things I have learned by poorly delivering feedback to others in the past. You should be sure to have a few conversations with people before delivering feedback that might have an impact on their careers. You might wish to discuss it with your manager and your company’s human resources department. If it is regarding unfortunate behavior that is terminal to their employment terms, you absolutely should discuss it with your company’s legal representatives.
So here are some things to think about for giving people the gift of unfortunate feedback.
Be Compassionate
When you are talking to people about problems or issues, please be kind. They may be going through things they have not disclosed to you for whatever reason. Often they may wait until they get called to the carpet before discussing unrelated drama that is affecting their performance because they are just hoping that the problem goes away and they can just move on with their lives. It is natural for people to want to avoid confrontation and challenges, and you should give them space and time to come to grips with that.
Whatever it is that is happening, make sure you listen to them fully and hear their side of the story. Sometimes people are going through a rough patch and need a little time and empathy. If this is happening, try to be helpful and supportive as much as possible.
Confidential Conversation
Any time someone does something bad, you should make sure you have a private conversation with them about it. Outline what the issue is or what the behavior was. It is important to communicate what you perceive and what your concerns are.
Make sure you describe what happened, and also what your expectations are. If it is around quality of work or professional conduct, you likely want to make sure you explain it in those terms.
You might be informed about people’s personal issues when trying to understand what is impacting someone’s job performance. It is a good idea to keep this in confidence as much as possible.
If they have a medical condition that is affecting their work, this is a conversation that should be taken to human resources. It might be the case that someone needs special consideration as a result of issues or treatment, and it is in everyone’s interests that this gets discussed and any compassion time taken gets set up officially. As their manager, you should be telling people that they have an accommodation for their issues and that we can be appreciative of it without disclosing any of the details.
At some companies certain situations might cause you to be concerned about having a fully private meeting with someone because it could then become about your word versus theirs. In these situations, it is good to discuss with a human resources representative present.
Time To Cure
Make sure you are giving people time to address issues or concerns after you have identified them. Make sure you clearly identify the time frame and the changes that need to happen for someone to be successful. If they have only five days to fix something then tell them they have only five days to fix something.
Be very explicit about the issue, be clear that everyone wants a positive and productive outcome, and be clear that there is still time to fix things and move forward.
Written Confirmation
Sometimes things go so far that it is time to make a change for the team that impacts someone’s career up to and including termination. It is unfortunate, but sometimes that is the unavoidable outcome. When this happens it is most ideal to keep a solid documentation trail about ongoing conversations.
In the past, when human resources and legal counsel has gotten involved in handling unfortunate situations, I have been consistently asked for all emails and written documentation about the individuals in question to summarize where we are.
Emails and written documentation give you clear timestamps on communication, and can help make it clear if expectations are not being met, and that everyone has done their best to get to a good outcome.
If you have not done your part in keeping written conversations, you might have to add multiple weeks of time while you document everything and share it with your human resources and legal partners. If this is your first time going through this process, do not be afraid to ask them for help in proofreading or even writing some of these communications. They are specialists in this area!
If you are on the receiving end of one of these emails, please understand that you might be doing something that could affect your job. You should figure out what you can do to fix the problem and make it clear you are doing your very best to do so. It does not hurt when you get to the end of a situation like this to have a follow up meeting where you confirm with your manager, or perhaps with human resources, that the issue is fully closed and everyone is satisfied.
Pattern of Behavior
The conversations that you have with people, and the written feedback you give to them, may feel terrible. If you are on either end of this kind of conversation right now, you have my sympathies and I hope it gets better soon.
After seeing a series of issues, especially related ones, I make sure to discuss with the individual that they have a pattern of behavior. It is easy to fix a one time problem. It is much harder to fix a pattern of behavior.
If someone informs you that you have a concerning pattern of behavior at work, be mindful that this is a dangerous place to be and it might mean you should be thinking really hard about fixing your pattern of behavior, or working on your resume—possibly both. If you cannot get it fixed to the point that people are satisfied, it is generally considered acceptable grounds for sending you off on a new adventure elsewhere.
Three Strikes
This is a big one for me. I hate firing people. I am very big on supporting people in being successful in their roles, and if they are not in the right role, then I will try to address that. That is a process that can take some time.
When someone is struggling in a job and they do not have the right role for their skill set, I will have a conversation with them about it.
If it keeps being a problem then eventually I accept there is not much I can do anymore and acknowledge that we all tried our best to make it work together.
Generally speaking I do my best to give people three strikes. I think it is a fair approach to make sure that I am also spending sufficient time with the people who are excelling in the organization to keep them growing and moving forward.
Tell Me What You Learned
I deliberately put this point out of order.
When I am having a meeting with someone and I am concerned that the issue is not fixable, I will present them with my concerns, their behaviors, and my expectations.
Early on I discovered a way to get some early indicators about what will happen next.
At the conclusion of a private meeting outlining expectations I will ask the individual “Please tell me the most important thing that you are taking away from this meeting”.
Sometimes you will get a hopeful response out of the individual about wanting to fix things. Sometimes you get a frustrated reply that they acknowledge there are problems.
You might also get a sarcastic or flippant reply. I explicitly look for these and examine them carefully. Some people use comedy or sarcasm as a defense mechanism. Be careful when this happens because it is hard to improve the outcome from this position. This is a sign that I need to tread very carefully and do what I can to be supportive.
Other times if you get a reply that is defiant or flippant, this is a sign that things are going to take a turn for the worse.
Following the meeting, be clear in your documentation that you asked them what the most important takeaway was from the meeting, and what their response was.
This has historically been one of the most highly correlated signals for me that I am going to have to take significant corrective action.
Understand Your Liabilities
As a manager of people, you may have some personal liability for some of your interactions with them. Before you take leadership responsibility you should understand what that means for you and the legal jurisdiction where you work because it varies from state to state and country to country.
Some companies have management training that will give you a good summary of what your obligations are. I think I was managing people for multiple years before getting my first formal company management training. I was shocked to learn what I could be personally sued for as a startup founder. At larger companies, often public ones, there are compliance training sessions you may be required to take every year or two.
If things go poorly in giving feedback, you might be asked to collect all your documentation with the individual in question and forward it to human resources or legal representatives for review.
The more thoughtful and proactive your correspondence is, the more likely it will help you avoid getting entangled in things personally for doing your job.
Read All The Signals
My final thought here is that you should be aware of all the inputs in delivering unfortunate gifts of feedback. If someone is not fitting in with a team, and you are getting feedback from below and sometimes even above, understand that while you might not have a problem with someone, other people do. This is one of the hardest situations to be in. You will find sometimes that senior leadership will be cryptic about it or perhaps not very clear in what they expect. On one hand, they want you to manage your people and be successful. On the other, they may be encouraging you to do something that might be for your own good. If you go to your boss and ask “Should I get rid of this person?” it is not often they will point blank say “Yes”. Generally they will remind you that it is your job to manage your people and maybe give a small list of pros and cons to the situation for you to weigh over. When they do point-blank say “Yes”, you know you have some urgent work to do in order to figure out how to fix the problem to everyone’s satisfaction, including your own and the employee in question.
So there you have it! I hope you enjoyed this week’s dive into some of the more brutal work conversations I have participated in. Some of you were there and I know you are going “holy shit I remember that”. This is a learning process and a journey for all of us. Hopefully it makes us all better people. I will close by saying I have seen a number of people who I have given unfortunate (and sometimes terminal) feedback go on to soar to amazing heights professionally.
See you all back here next week as I struggle to refill my big bucket of ideas. Does my nervousness and anxiety create a sense of urgency for you to need to read this scarce supply of nuggets of wisdom? I know I want to see how it turns out!
